Monday, 27 February 2012

7 Weeks Old

MUMMY

They say that children get their personalities from their parents. It turns out that my child is very demanding, enormously impatient, exceedingly stubborn and more than a little greedy so it just goes to show that there is an exception to every rule.

I write this week after 2 - 3 good days with my boy so for the first time really since he was born, I really feel like I am starting to turn a corner and, at the very least, I can write this with more of a positive frame of mind than previous posts.

The past couple of weeks, apart from the last few days, in truth, have been fairly hellish. I think the all time low peeked at around the 6 week mark when the relentless sleep deprivation really got on top of me and I just couldn't see a way forward. I was having real trouble getting the dude off to sleep at any time of day really, particularly at night-time, and we were having colicky wailing evenings that were really getting me down too. I thought I had known sleep deprivation before Dalton arrived having always been a fairly rubbish sleeper and despite people telling me how extreme the sleep deprivation was with a new baby, really, nothing prepared me for quite how tough it has been. The difference with baby sleep deprivation is that you just can't see a light at the end of the tunnel as unless you can make baby sleep, you never will! And sleep deprivation is a really horrific thing. I honestly believe, having been through a couple of awful weeks of it, that in the end, it sends you really quite dolally and ends up turning in to post-natal depression. I saw a friend of mine this past week that was telling me what a hard time she went through with her children. She was telling me how they woke on the hour every hour for about the first year to two years of their lives. She had little support and, in the end, after 3 - 4 years of constant sleep deprivation, believes she went a little mad. It ended her marriage ultimately. And I can see why.

I wanted to talk a little about how sleep deprivation can affect the brain. I hesitate to write what I am about to write, mostly because my mother can easily find things to worry about without me giving her any extra bait but, as always, I want to be 100% honest in this blog and I think if more people opened up and talked about how seriously challenging parenthood can be and how it affects you, people like me who have struggled a lot with it at times will realise they are not alone and be much more willing to seek help when help is needed. So, anyway, my friend was telling me about how she lived in a fairly trance-like hallucinative state for a couple of years due to the extreme sleep deprivation and that by the end of it, she was having horrible nightmares that seemed real about doing fairly horrific things to her children and then panicking about whether she actually had or not. Or whether she actually ever could. I empathised. Although I have been absolutely nowhere near that dark place with my particularly nasty couple of weeks, there was a moment about a week and a half ago at my absolute lowest when I hadn't slept at all for a couple of days and had had several days / nights on the trot prior to that with 1 - 2 hours sleep and I was utterly, utterly exhausted. I had finally got Dalton off to sleep at about 2am after standing and rocking him to and fro in the pram for about 3 hours straight, sobbing away throughout of course, and I crept up to bed ready to collapse both mentally and physically. About ten minutes after getting in to bed and just as I closed my eyes, he started wailing again. I physically couldn't get up and, honestly, I just couldn't face trying to settle him any more so I put my earplugs in, buried my head under the pillow and closed my eyes. Somehow, I nodded off and when I woke about an hour later, Dalton was no longer crying. I then panicked that something bad had happened. It was the first night I had left him downstairs in the pram rather than in our room or his nursery which is directly next door. What if the cat had got in and smothered him and he was no longer breathing. And then, and this is the point I am getting to with how f*cked up sleep deprivation can make you, a little voice in the back of my head said that at least if he had stopped breathing I would be able to just get a few hours more sleep. Of course I got up anyway and checked on him and he was fine and of course I felt disgusted with myself for that thought creeping in to my head at all and of course I would never do anything to harm my little boy but lack of sleep is a very dangerous thing and it's so important to recognise that you need help before it turns in to something serious.

So, I did recognise I needed help thankfully and as well as my mum and Ron each doing a night shift for me each week, I also decided we needed to get a night nanny one night a week - just for 2 - 3 weeks while the boy settles a little more as both Ron and I desperately needed a night off and whilst it is a luxury that we really can't afford to do more than these three sessions, we needed it and I am so glad I've been able to recognise that I needed this help. Interestingly, when I get sleep, even if it is only a few hours, I can cope with anything the boy throws at me and can look at him more as a logic puzzle, you know, OK, that didn't work, let's try this, OK, that didn't work either, let's try such and such. When I haven't had any sleep, all I can do is sob and beg him to tell me what's wrong with him!

Anyway, I feel comfortable talking about those particularly nasty days as, like I say, I really do feel like I have turned a corner these past few days. There are a few reasons for this:

  1. I am feeling more refreshed with the extra help I am getting with the night shifts
  2. Dalton's tummy is starting to improve greatly now with the help of infant Gaviscon (it took several days to kick in and whilst he still has lots of wind and struggles to poop a little, he is remarkably better)
  3. I've bought a few things for him which each do their own little part at making him more comfortable at night-time
  4. He has just started to give something back! We had our first real, proper smile on Friday and it melted my heart and made me sob again - but this time for a happy reason
So, speaking of that big, proper smile my angel gave me. Here it is. My, my, what an absolutely gorgeous chappie, even if I do say so myself. I've been told he looks a lot like Mummy!

Big Smiles for Mummy

It was a long time coming, but that first big gummy smile made everything seem worthwhile and he is getting more and more chatty every day with me now. For some reason, nearly everything he says sounds like "agua". Do I have a thristy, Spanish child?

We've had some other successes too. The past couple of nights, he's actually started to become a lot easier to settle at night. Don't get me wrong, it still takes me up to an hour but this is a huge improvement on previous times and I'll be honest, the introduction of a dummy has dramatically helped with this. We'll probably regret this later but I'm happy to deal with later later! And last night, for the first time since he was born, he went to sleep at about 8pm meaning that Ron and I could actually eat together. I then woke him about 11pm for a dream feed and he slept right through to 4am so that was great and should things continue in that manner, the sleep situation will be manageable for me (and manageable is all I am looking for here - long gone are the days that I hope for a proper night's sleep). Also, as well as him starting to sleep a little better (and I am aware that there will probably be a few days when we will go backwards again), we have him sleeping in his cot and he seems pretty happy there so all in all, for 7 weeks, I think we are doing pretty well and as I mooch round this corner I spoke of, I am actually feeling really proud of myself for how far I / we have come so far.

The other thing that started to happen, literally 2 - 3 days ago, was that breastfeeding stopped hurting! It has been such a 'journey' as those reality TV stars would say and I've had lots of setbacks (including a major setback about two weeks ago with the introduction of nipple shields which ended up causing a rather severe case of blocked milk ducts) but we're finally through the pain barrier. The problem is, I have only been able to breastfeed about 2 - 3 times a day due to the problems I was having so the milk supply is low and, frankly, with the amount my boy eats, I don't think I would ever be able to keep up with his demands but I'm in a fairly happy place now where I give him about three token boob juice feeds a day to give him some Wood goodness and he has formula the rest of the time. Sure, I could struggle through and gradually introduce more and more feeds to get my supply back up but you know what, I'm done with struggling on with it any further and I appreciate how important it is for my boy that Mummy is well and happy and I've found something that works for us both so I'm sticking to it!

So, hungry, yes, my boy eats! The thing that makes him a little stressful to be around is that he goes from zero to hero when wants to eat. I literally get no warning at all. It's quiet and relaxed / asleep to "ARRGGGHHHHHHHHHH! I NEED FOOD MUMMY IMMEDIATELY!". With breastfeeding, this isn't too bad as there isn't a huge delay in getting the boob in his chops but when preparing a bottle, this can be a little stressful so I hum loudly to myself now and try to zone out for the few minutes it takes to get his bottle ready. I have come to realise that no harm is coming to him when he has to wait for two minutes to eat and that if he chooses to spend those two minutes shouting very loudly to momma, then so be it! Still, as I have said before, I am so much happier that I have a boy that eats too much than not enough. He weighed in at a stunning 14½ pounds last week at just 6 weeks old, which is ridiculous and the weight of about a 4 - 5 month old. He remains in the 98th percentile for both weight and height (but about the 50th percentile for head diameter which I thought was odd - does this mean he has a small head?!). So, well done little boy. You are growing well. In fact, I can't believe how grown up he looks already. Here he is in his little outfit and first shoes!

Cool Dude
As I was saying, I've bought a few things for him that seem to generally be making him happier. I forgot to mention that I have also spent an absolute fortune (honestly, you will pay anything to try to get a good night's sleep / keep your child healthy and happy) on things to try to make him happier that have been a total waste of money. The thing is with these babies is that there's no one size fits all solution and it takes quite some time to get to know what works for your bubs. I am finally getting there with what works for little man and I thought I would share some of the things that I've bought that have been helpful and some of the things I have bought that have been a total waste of money:

Useful Purchases

  • Swaddle sleep suits - both The Woombie and the Love To Swaddle Up sleep suits have been a great success at keeping bubs asleep once asleep and not waking up from the moro (startle) reflex
  • A flat head support pillow for the pram and for the cot - makes Dalton comfortable and stops him moving about too much when napping / sleeping
  • iPhone white noise / lullaby apps - these really have helped to send him off to sleep and keep him that way
  • A dummy! - probably the single biggest influence on his improved sleep. Babies just like to suck it turns out and often when I thought he was hungry, he wasn't, he just wanted to suck on something
  • Infant Gaviscon - this really has made a difference to little dude's tummy
  • Dr Brown's anti-colic bottles - again, these really seem to have made a difference to Dalton's windiness when eating
  • A cheap bounce seat - perfect for leaving him in while I grab a cup of coffee / prepare his bottle
  • A breastfeeding chair - this has made a massive difference to being able to rock little man to sleep at night in comfort
  • Buggy clips for carrying bags
Non-Useful Purchases
  • A sleep-positioning wedge - the wedge idea is to help with reflux but for whatever reason, we just couldn't get little man comfy in the one we bought
  • A slumber bear - this has a recording from inside the womb and it certainly does no harm but is no better than the white noise apps you can get for free or very cheaply on the iPhone
  • A bottle-warmer - nice idea but 5 minutes warming time I'm afraid just wasn't going to work for my little man. Yup, I know you aren't supposed to microwave baby milk but an awful lot of people do and I'm sensible enough to make sure it is well shaken and there are no hot spots and 30 seconds waiting time just works for him a little better
  • An all singing and dancing swing chair - not a complete waste but the very simple bounce seat has been far more successful and is much, much cheaper and more mobile
That's all I can think of for now but any other useful purchases I make over the next few weeks, I will obviously share.

Here's a picture of our angel in his Love To Swaddle Up sleep-suit by the way. My Angel of The South!

Zzzzzzz
So, I'll finish off this post by saying that I can definitely see the light. My boy is becoming more and more fun to be around every day and there are so many fab things we can do when he can support his head - I can't wait to get him in the door bouncer, for example - so I really am looking forward now and expecting a few bumps along the way, but looking forward.

Finally, I just want to thank all of you who have been so incredibly supportive to me over the past few weeks. I've been overwhelmed by the support in fact and really realised how special some of my friends are. Some of you have made long trips over to see me, several times in fact, and some of you have offered support by message and some of you have simply shared your story and all of these things have helped me to get through these first few weeks. I really couldn't have done it without any of you so, you guys, you know who you are, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so very much. Goodness, that made me cry a little writing that - again, in a good way though. Life is precious and you guys are very precious to me.

I hope to write again soon and I hope I will continue to be writing from a happier place as my little soldier gets bigger and bigger!


DALTON

I must say, my wind issues were the pits but whatever Mummy and Daddy have been giving me seems to be doing the trick as I am managing to get my poops out much easier now. I like to poop about 8 times a day so you can imagine how frustrating it is when they don't come out easily!

This week, I learnt to smile! What a great feeling. Mummy looked so happy when I smiled so I am going to smile lots more for her. I've been telling her lots of things actually but I'm not sure she understands me.

I've met quite a few people now at some of the classes Mummy goes to. She seems to have already married me off to her friend's little girl Amelia! I mean, Amelia is alright but frankly, she's a bit of a flirt. One minute she has eyes for me, the next I catch her fluttering her eyelashes at some other guy. I'll be no one's sloppy seconds so, I don't know, watch this space is all I'm saying but she should take nothing for granted. I'm a handsome chap you know!

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty happy at the moment and life is starting to become more interesting. I can still only see in black and white mostly but some colours are starting to come through so the world is starting to look, well, a little more colourful. I don't know my hands are my own yet, but what fun it will be when I do!

Chat soon, I'm off to take a dump.

Monday, 20 February 2012

6 Weeks Old

I'm afraid once again I'm not going to be able to write a proper post. I've been struck down with some kind of fever over the last two days and trying to look after a little one when ill is literally hell, especially one who just won't sleep! Thankfully, my mum and Ron have allowed me to have a day and night off to aid my recovery.

It seems to be one thing after another in these early weeks and our current biggie is that the little guy just won't sleep. He naps a little most mornings but won't nap in the afternoon or evening despite being utterly exhausted and then is a nightmare to settle at night so I am continuing to get virtually no sleep at all and am still waiting for my big gummy smile-shaped reward!

I know it all gets easier and that these few weeks will become a very distant memory but that doesn't make it any easier to get through at the time.  I'm just taking each day as it comes and trying to get through it basically and hopefully next week I will have the time and energy to write a proper post, maybe even with some success stories, but at the moment the lack of sleep, which is like no kind of sleep deprivation I could ever have imagined, has got the better of me and I would rather write when I can focus properly on the qwerties.

For now, I leave you with a picture of my little super hero (who I still love very, very dearly even though he keeps me awake most of the night!).

Monday, 13 February 2012

5 Weeks Old

MUMMY

I now realise what an over-ambitious goal I have set myself in trying to continue to write this blog up to that magical 12 week old milestone - aka the one where it is supposed to get a bit easier - (and perhaps significant milestones beyond *Liffey pops champagne cork*). This is not going to be easy.  Partly because there is rarely a time in the day when I am not attached to a baby or doing something that can't easily be multi-tasked with two handed typing of awesome blogness and also because I am SO tired all the time that constructing anything that resembles a sentence has become far more difficult than I ever could have imagined. I'm an anal fecker about spelling / grammar / using the right word with the right meaning under normal circumstances but under the extreme sleep deprived existence that only a baby can bestow upon you, doing anything with words is tricky. It's been most disappointing to watch such a decline in to non-sharpness and un-cleverness from the front row but this, my friends, this is what babies do to you! Only yesterday I was telling one of my new mum buddies to make sure she expressed the steriliser every time she pumped. I mean, sh1t, I'm good but even I can't express a steriliser! However, my mother is very kindly helping me out now on a Monday so I am hoping to be able to continue writing these blog posts after all.

I was most disappointed when I couldn't write my blog last week as I've become rather attached to my weekly vent / analysis on proceedings / sharing of my little world, more now than ever. It's my way of dealing with what has happened in the past week and much as it may sound absolutely ridiculous to any of you without your own little ones (and believe me, it would have to me, it DID to me), most of what happens day by day at the moment seems fairly traumatic!

So, as I was saying, this being a mummy thing is such a roller coaster and every time I feel like I am really starting to turn a corner, a big fat Shrimp-shaped hand slaps me very hard in the face and makes me feel like not only have I not progressed but that I have gone backwards. It feels like just as you get over one hurdle, you don't even have time to enjoy the having got over that hurdle before the next one comes along and slaps you in the chops even harder than the last (does this go on forever I'm wondering?!).

For the first few weeks of my little boy's life, the biggest and all-consuming issue was all about feeding - and the fact that my malfunctioning b00bs didn't seem to be working properly like I had hoped they would. Now, fortunately, whilst the current method of breastfeeding twice a day, expressing when I can and feeding formula the rest of the time isn't the method I would have ideally chosen, it's a compromise that works for me so I'm not in too much of an unhappy place with this anymore (and I was in a VERY unhappy place with this) so that's one hurdle, well, hurdled. For the record, and mostly for anyone else who finds themselves in the familiar place of bleeding nipple hell, I was getting quite deflated by the countless midwives / breastfeeding gurus who insisted that it shouldn't hurt if you and baby have the latch / positioning correct as this was making me feel even more like a failure - like there was something I was doing wrong to make it not work - when in actual fact that doesn't seem to be the case at all. What fixed it for me and my incredibly hungry overdue boy and has allowed me to breastfeed twice a day with decreasing pain each time to the point where I will soon be ready to introduce a few more b00b feeds is letting them heal! The amount of time a newborn spends attached to your b00b is staggering (some days it feels like that is literally all you have done) and that kind of caper through bleeding nipples was going to hurt if you had the most skillful latcher-onner and most perfectly-formed udders in the world! Without that day or two of complete rest (whilst continuing to express) and the slow introduction back, I would have never cracked anything other than my nipples but we're getting there and I hope we make it as, more than anything else, it's a lot more convenient than preparing a bottle all the time, it seems to be less wind-inducing in the little one and of course there is the added bonus that it is free!

Anyway, so, as I was saying, we hurdled that little obstacle and just as I naively thought I was turning a corner a couple of weeks ago, all hell broke loose, my little soldier started to get very nasty wind, presenting itself as a very colicky baby. Until about two weeks ago, Dalton had been fairly good at sleeping through the night except for fairly frequent feeds and we hadn't had too much trouble putting him down from about 10pm and the only real problem was that I just couldn't get him to nap in the day. The not napping in the day was incredibly exhausting as it meant that I was really struggling to get anything at all done (even the basics like get dressed, eat etc.) as I couldn't put him down without him wailing at the top of his voice and I find that impossible to listen to without acting. In fact, it wasn't until a week ago that I discovered how much newborns were supposed to sleep - somewhere between 15 and 18 hours a day - with them supposedly needing to nap every 1 - 2 hours. I had a boy who was normally awake all day and thought that this was ideal as it would make him so tired I thought he would sleep more soundly at night but it turns out that quite the opposite is the case. No wonder I seemed to be struggling more than I felt the other NCT ladies were. They were like, "What do you do when he naps? When mine naps in the morning I get ready, have a shower, eat breakfast and in the afternoon naps I do other things like laundry". I was like, "Naps? NAPS?! My boy never blinking naps at all so how am I supposed to get anything done and ever catch up on any sleep? <rhetorical question>". I digress. What I was saying was that we didn't have too much trouble putting him down and whilst he was awake and very alert all evening, he was normally fairly relaxed so the biggest problem we had really was just that someone had to hold him while the other one prepared dinner / ate dinner and vice versa. I didn't know at the time how good we had it because then the dreaded colic set in. Dalton started to suffer terribly with his digestion all round really which presented itself as puking (more than just a little bit of overflow), which we now know is to do with acid reflux issues, struggling to get wind up after a feed and struggling to get poopies out and these symptoms also presented themselves as hours of constant inconsolable wailing in the evening with little dude getting more and more frustrated and becoming very difficult to get down at night and mummy getting more and more distressed and teary and wondering how much more of it she could take! Wow, there is something about your own child's cry that cuts through you like a knife and when you are trying to deal with hours of your baby crying that you can't really do anything to fix on no sleep at all or virtually no sleep, trust me, you do find yourself going a little bit mad and wondering what on earth you have done! I mean, I knew colic existed but I had now idea how painful it is to witness it occurring in your own child. It must be one of the most distressing things in the world to be subjected to - it certainly feels that way anyway.

Things got so bad last Thursday when I was probably at another all time low (I have had a few of these - where I think they are the all time low and things are going to change for the better and then another all time low hits) that we went to the doctor to beg the nice lady to DO SOMETHING! She told us it was a classic case of reflux and prescribed little dude with some infant Gaviscon. Now, it's early days but I definitely think it is just starting to take effect now and the little one seems to be getting slightly better (although as I type this, he has just started crying for my mum in the way he does when you know it isn't going to end for several hours resulting in him getting really overtired and not being able to sleep at night-time) and with that and the fact that babies just tend to grow out of colicky issues over the next few weeks as their digestive system matures, I pray that it will pass soon.

So, on the whole, each day remains a struggle but what consoles me and gets me through each day at the moment is that around about now, my boy, I'm assured, will start to give something back (he's been a little take, take, take thus far!). It is at around this time that babies start staring at your face more, sometimes copying you, smiling, cooing etc. and Dalton has just about started doing little smiles in the last couple of days which made my little heart melt, even with all the crying we had endured...

Getting ready for a big gummy smile
In addition, I am telling myself that I am almost halfway there towards the big 12 week milestone when I am assured by all my parenting buddies that 'Things Get Easier'™. My friend gave me quite a good analogy of how to look at this stage actually. She was saying that this initial phase, the first 12 weeks of your baby's life, should really be considered as the fourth trimester and more something to get through than something to enjoy. That actually made me feel better as I was feeling rather rubbish that I was finding it such a struggle and not enjoying it all as much as society made me feel I should be (I mean, seriously, who enjoys having no sleep night after night and your little one screaming in what appears to be quite severe discomfort for hours on end?!) and like with many of these pregnancy / baby related realities, it's all a little bit easier to cope with when you discover that you are not alone - and actually most of the time not even in the minority, just a little less skilled at keeping the bad times private.

Added to the tiredness and windy baby problems, it seems I have become the kind of person I hate! I used to be flabbergasted at how some of my facebook buddies felt compelled to tell the world about every tiny little baby-related thing that had happened that day. I'd be like, yeah, so what if your child did a poop today - do any of us look like we care? Yeah, yeah, another photo of your child eating a yoghurt and getting it smeared all over their face, cool. And yet, here I am, facebooking every tiny little achievement I get under my belt (ooh, look everyone, here's me going outside / wearing a sling / holding my baby etc. etc.) and posting numerous photos of my little man as if he is the most fascinating little person in the entire world but the thing is you see, you just can't help yourself! I apologise to all the people who I scorned at for seeming to be so consumed in their little ones because I can now understand that you can't possibly do anything other than be completely consumed by them. For goodness sake, they are little people that we have made all by ourselves! I mean, how ridiculously amazing is that? And then you've got to also bear in mind that when something amazing happens, like I manage to express 7 oz of b00b juice through my hands free b00b pumping bra, whilst holding a baby AND watching Judge Judy all at the same time, I, of course, NEED to tell someone about this and as there is no one over the age of 6 weeks old in my house, I have to tell all of yous - whether you are remotely interested or not - that's not the important part.

Oh, and lets not omit that I have started wearing leggings - something else I swore I would never ever do - and yet here I am getting excited when my 3 pack of cheap, black leggings arrives via Mr Amazon Prime. Disgraceful, Wood *shakes head*.

So, onwards and upwards anyway, I'm having good days and bad at the moment, probably more bad than good but I know this will very promptly start shifting in the other direction and I have already had a few glimpses of how much fun it can be hanging out with my little soldier, how amazing things will be and how warm and fuzzy I will feel inside when he gets over his wind and hopefully starts sleeping a little better at night and giving mummy a chance to catch up on a bit of sanity sleep and thus enjoy watching him give me one of those big gummy grins

All in all though, and I want to make this very clear, despite the challenges of these early weeks, I love my little shrimp more than anything else in the world and am so very, very proud to be his mummy and so very, very smug that Ron and I created someone so gorgeous and special and I can't wait to get to know him and watch him grow in to a little person. All I need to do is hang in there and get through the next few tough weeks and then it's all plain sailing from there! (What, it's not, you say?) Until then, here's another picture of my little boy when he is at his best.

Zzzzz


As I leave you for another week, a big thank you goes out to Mother Wood, who has been a godsend helping out and giving me the odd night shift off as well as a much needed break in the day when she can come over and offer some help and support. It would have been perhaps an unbearable struggle without this so I am hugely grateful and I know that she is very pleased that she can finally help me out after all these many years of me saying, no, mother, I am fine, I will do it myself thank you very much.

Oh, and Ron continues to be fantastic at supporting me, dealing with my meltdowns, calmly dealing with the little one's meltdowns (poor fella, he must be due a meltdown himself) whilst working very hard also and, well, he is my little super hero. I can't imagine being able to do this with anyone else.

So, am I 'winning', as Charlie Sheen would say? Well, not quite, but I'm getting there my friends, I'm definitely getting there.


Current Symptoms:

  • Light vaginal bleeding (STILL!)
  • Area of numbness above caesarean scar (unlikely to ever disappear)
  • Weakened but improving lower tummy muscles
  • Recovering boobies but still a fairly tender
  • Lots of tears still (I wonder if these ever go away as well)


DALTON

Man, this week has been seriously tough. It's sucks to be me sometimes. I don't have many hobbies in life at the moment - let's see, there's eating, sleeping and sh1tting and two of them just aren't really working out right now. All I've wanted to do for the last few days is a pain free dump but can I? Can I b0llocks. I'm seriously fed up about it. I told mummy so too in no uncertain terms that I was not happy about the situation. I'm pretty sure she heard me as she sobbed a bit, I guess she feels sorry for me. Who wouldn't? Then, on top of my pooping issues, I get terrible wind in my tummy that can be really painful. I'd understand if I'd been eating cabbages but it's just milk at the moment so why, pray, is that causing me such problems?

Mummy has been giving me something for it and I think, touch Wood (where's mummy?), it is starting to get a little better and soon I will be able to pass 'stools' (I love that word) with ease.

Other than that though, there was one highlight to the week when I met mummy's friend, Moose (I don't know if that is her real name but that is all mummy referred to as). As I was sat there smugly tucked beneath the most enormous melons I had ever seen dreaming about the sheer volume of milk those vessels must be holding, I had a little smile. It was my first real smile and it made me feel all bubbly inside (not just from the gas either) so I'm going to start smiling a bit more. Silly mummy, even when I smiled she cried but she said it was tears of joy or something. Thank goodness daddy is a bit more stable!

Here's me with my friend, Moose Senior.



Anyway, hopefully when I next write to you all I'll be a little less windy.

*parp*

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

4 Weeks Old

I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to write a proper blog post this week due to not being able to find any time at all to myself for the past few days. It makes me very sad that I'm unable to write a post because this blog is one of the few things I feel like I am actually doing well at the moment and am proud of (I challenge even the most confident women in the world to not feel really quite rubbish when they become a mum for the first time) and I did consider forgoing my dinner or spending any time at all with Ron last night to write it but for my own sanity I decided not to and that the blog would just have to wait for a week.

I always wanted this blog to be completely honest and reflect how I am feeling / what I am going through at the time and the fact that I am unable to write a post this week is entirely indicative of the kind of week I have had (i.e. not very good really on the whole) with a VERY windy baby who cries for hours on end and only seems to occasionally stop when I'm holding him.

Goodness, I love him very very dearly and would do anything for the little poppet but this boy is breaking me. If I can't find a way for my brain to stop breaking my heart every time he cries and his little lip wobbles, I'm in serious trouble. Come on, Wood, you need to toughen up.

For now, I will just leave you with a couple of pictures of my handsome, windsome chap and will endeavour to write next week.

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