Wednesday, 25 July 2012

How To Get Back To Your Pre-Pregnancy Weight

I decided to weigh myself yesterday. For the first time in a really long time. Actually, I wouldn't have weighed myself at all if it wasn't for the fact that I wanted to know how much my sack of spuds weighs (just because knowing how ridiculously heavy he is somehow makes me feel better that carrying him around these last 6 months has led to me having a broken (when I say broken, I don't mean the bone is broken, I just mean it doesn't work properly) shoulder, a broken hip, a broken knee and a broken ankle)).

The easiest way for me to do this was to weigh myself on the scales and then get my mum to hand The SpudMeister to me. We both had a brief moment of total elation when we weighed ourselves on the carpeted lounge floor which had us both at about 8 stone but briefly checking out each other's lardy botties and bingo wings, we realised this couldn't possibly be right. Moving to the solid surface of the kitchen floor, we all discovered our true weights.

Firstly, the boy weighed in at a ridiculous 25 lbs which places him almost off the scale for his age.

That little green and red dot there - that's him.

More interestingly perhaps though, was that it turned out I had returned to my pre-pregnancy weight of ... of course I'm not going to tell you, you fool, but it was as per BD (Before Dalton) which I thought wasn't bad for 6 months.

So, how did I manage this feat you're all wondering (not that it's that special as most celebrities seem to get their figures back in a matter of hours)? Well, I thought I would share my top tips with you.

1.   Get yourself a REALLY heavy baby

Wave goodbye to those bingo wings every time you lift your child up or are holding them, which is pretty much like all the time in these early months. A ridiculously heavy child can improve your back muscles, shoulder muscles and arm muscles all at the same time and throw in a few extra squats whilst holding your sack of spuds and in no time at all you'll have buns of steel. Sure, the side effects of said really heavy child are you might get a few torn ligaments and dislocated joints along the way but hey, no pain no gain. And don't worry if they start out small, just feed 'em up until they reach the desired off the scale weight.

2.   Have yourself a baby that doesn't nap well

We all know that, as a new mummy, the chance of you getting to the gym or enjoying any kind of traditional exercise regime is slim to nothing (which is where we want to be, ladies). But, if you get yourself one of those babies that isn’t too clever at napping in the cot then you have your aerobic exercise answer – nap-time cot walks. Get yourself out with that buggy three times a day to co-incide with naps. Sure, you’ll be tired and pissed off because what you really want to do is Get Shit DoneTM or even sit around on your fat @rse for a bit but hey, you, yeah you, are you serious about this body sculpting shit or what? Right, so get walking. Come rain or shine – the more rain the better – it shows how dedicated you are.

3.   Forget sleep – sleep is for wimps

We all know that being awake burns more calories than being asleep so the answer is easy, don’t sleep, like ever. This can be achieved by two different methods:

a)   Get yourself one of those babies who wakes regularly through the night. Even better if you can find yourself one that doesn’t settle well too – that will be sure to keep you up pretty much all night. In the early days, you’ll struggle to stay awake all night as the precious little ones will often only wake for food but when you enter the golden teething era, this is when you can virtually watch the pounds fall away as you stay awake most of the night – almost every night – like the hardcore little weight watcher you are.
b)   If you’re finding you have a baby who blesses you with the occasional sleep through, no problem, just wake up multiple times anyway – initially to check if they are still alive but later, just because, well, it’s been about a year and a half since you have slept through the night yourself and your body doesn’t know how to anymore. Remember, sleeping is for the weak.

4.   Get stressed (related to points 2 and 3)

That’s right, you heard me, get stressed out. Really stressed out. Worrying about whether your little soldier will nap, has had enough sleep or will sleep that night. This is particularly easy to achieve if you attempt to go out for the whole day – especially somewhere really noisy like London. Stress is good. Stress helps kick those fat particles up the @rse and says “see you later, fatulator”

So, there you have it. That's how I achieved returning to my pre-pregnancy weight and you can too. To get this information sent to you on ten, that's right, ten great DVD's, please send a cheque for £129.99 to PO BOX 100, England or just phone 0800 800 800 to discuss the three easy payment plan.

I thank you.

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